Where the heart is

Baa....Katahdins.

2012-01-29T19:28:00.000-06:00

Today we brought home some sheep. Not just any sheep, but Katahdins. Ten wonderful ewes and one ram. I'm so excited!!!

These are bad pictures. I'll get some better ones tomorrow.

They are tucked in the barn tonight. I love these little ones already!

Summer 2011 with Brenton revisited.

2012-01-25T20:54:00.000-06:00

We had an amazing summer last year with Brenton. We took 4 wheeler rides through some beautiful country.

We visited the Painted Canyon in ND.

Brenton gave Lyric her first bareback ride.

Brenton enjoyed watching the kids grow up.

And loved raising sheep.

Lyric was a wonderful horse, even for a beginning rider like Brenton.

Brenton got to see his bottle calf all grown up at a year old. They were still the best of friends.

It was a great summer and ended way too soon!

Time passes

2012-01-25T20:35:00.002-06:00

So many changes. So many things stay the same.

My son, Brenton, came up in December and is living with us until June. We are so happy to have him here. He will experience all the things he misses when he's with this dad. We will have sheep to lamb out, cows to calve out, a horse to break out.

Brenton is loving the farm life and is working hard to adjust to a new lifestyle and a new way of parenting. He's putting in 100% and I'm so proud of him for it. He is constantly outside helping with outside chores and loves working the cattle.

Today he even went to his first Ag Show. Kids (especially boys) sure do love the big tractors. :) Pictures from the Ag show coming soon.

Surprises come in many shapes and forms

2011-04-30T21:01:00.000-05:00

Surprises come in many shapes and forms. Here are the suprises I've experienced in the last few days.

Good Surprise:

Thursday I was able to go down to visit a friend about an hour away. It was the perfect day for a visit. The sun was shining and it was almost "warm". I was able to meet and great all the newborn foals on her farm, catch up with everything I had been missing with my friend, and play ball with one of my favorite little girls.

Good surprise:

I was also able to stop by another friend down that way on my way home. I was surprised with the twin sister to my little doeling, Phoebe, that I had brought home a few weeks ago. The picture isn't the best, but I will get more soon.....promise. We named her Penny.

While I was there I was able to enjoy my visit with my friend's daughters who are such a joy to be around. I caught this video while I was there. How could this not bring a smile to your face?

Another good surprise:

I sold my blue roan to the above friend. With their excitement over owning a new horse overflowing on to me, I decided that such a gorgeous day couldn't pass without getting their horse started under saddle. Working Errowyn was such a pleasure. You couldn't ask for a more willing and pleasing horse. Here is her first ride.

Bad Surprises:

The ones you don't expect, and if you did expect them, you secretly whispered "no...please, no!" That would be the kind of surprise we got today. The day before May 1st. The last thing you expect in spring when all you have is sunshine and warmth on your mind....................a blizzard.

Our temps have dropped to 27* and the winds are howling with gusts up to 45 mph and snow is collecting on the ground. :(

We have been lucky so far. (Knock on wood) A friend of mine a few hours west of us has gotten over a foot of snow with drifts reaching 8 ft deep. She has been without power since this morning and is likely not to have power again til some time tomorrow. But here I am wishing with all my might for this storm to "pass us by". I am ready for spring.

The best of suprises:

Then there are the little surprises that fills you with love and melts your heart. Take today for example: My dear husband opened my door on the truck for me. Such a little thing, but it pleased me greatly. Or this afternoon, as we walked back from the barn with snow stinging my face and he put himself between me and the flying snow to shield my body with his. He is such a good, kind and loving husband. He doesn't realize how special he really is, and that's the biggest surprise of all.

Spring time equals planting a garden!

2011-04-26T10:40:00.001-05:00

Well, spring time has a different meaning here in the Dakotas. It means random cold days, or very gusty days, or a spell of snow. Sometimes we have all three together. Which means gardens get put on hold or you start your seeds inside.

This year, I'm trying my hand at starting my seeds inside.

We are growing some pickling cucumbers and then some regular salad cucumbers, tomatoes, bell peppers, jalapenos, habenero peppers, watermelon, yellow crook necked squash and zucchini. I can hardly wait to enjoy our garden this year.

I had just finished planting my seeds.

Three days later the cucumbers are up.

Then the tomatoes emerged shortly after.

Then the cucumbers started growing too fast!

So then I had to do this:

The tomatoes and peppers are the only plants left in the mini green house. (Tomatoes)

The peppers were the last to emerge.

The garden will also have red onions, green beans, corn, spinach, cabbage and potatoes.

Lyric's 3rd ride

2011-04-25T22:08:00.004-05:00

I was contacted by the folks I got one of my goats from. Their daughter wants a horse, so I invited them up to see what I had available. I ended up using Lyric as a "how I train" demo. She didn't let me down. Lyric was nice and quiet and very responsive. At the end of the session, she just stood there and let the 11 and 9 year old girls brush and love on her. I really love how quiet the horses are from this bloodline.
So here we are today, her third ride. First time riding in the bit but not the first time wearing one. This was also our first real trot. We trotted about 2 strides on Easter. I am really impressed with how well she is coming along.

Newest additions to the farm!

2011-04-21T12:39:00.000-05:00

We have two new additions to the farm! The first is a little doeling born March 1, 2011. She's a Nubian x LaMancha cross. Her tentitive name is Prudence. She will be one of my milk goats next year.

The second is my baby. She's a Nigerian x Nubian doeling. She was born April 7th, and is my bottle baby!! Her tentitive name is Phoebe. She will also be a milk goat next year!

I am in love with both these girls! Prudence isn't as friendly as Phoebe but it will take time!!! Hopefully they will be bred this fall for March babies!!! :)

Lyric had her first ride!!!

2011-04-21T12:35:00.000-05:00

Finally that time of year

2011-04-08T17:46:00.000-05:00

It's finally that time of year. My girls are 2 years old and I can start training them and get them lightly started under saddle!!! Lyric is my first choice.

The ground is still pretty icy to do too much, so I'm doing a bit of round pen work, introduced the bit, getting her giving her head to the left and right, desensitizing to tarps and such, backing when asked, moving off pressure, introduced a girth, and a pad.

So far, she is taking everything in stride and been amazing. Sanford gave me a boost on to her back the other day. I just laid up there on my stomach and rubbed on her for a few minutes before getting down.

Here is a photo of her from the other day.

Baby goats on the way!

2011-04-08T17:39:00.002-05:00

Nubian X doeling Born March 1, 2011 We're naming her Merryweather.

After our troubles with the cows and worrying about having milk on hand (milk replacer for calves are $65/bag for 50#, for lambs it's $37/bag for 25#). I prefer real over replacer any day of the week.

We had a cow reject her baby, so off we went to buy a bag of milk replacer. We ended up getting his mama to take him so there sat the milk replacer. Baby #2 was refused by his mama, and after one bottle we sold him and the bag of replacer for $425. Then baby #3 mama's died in pasture when he was 17 days old. Not expecting it, we didn't have replacer on hand. So off to the store we went for another $65 bag.

If I had a goat to milk, these bags wouldn't be so much of a worry. I wouldn't have to worry about feeding a calf or a lamb. I calculated what I have into my lambs (at the moment) and I think I am up to $37/lamb. If I had milk goats to milk, I would have less than half that into each of my lambs. Plans are to breed them this fall for March/April babies.

Now if the weather would get nice, and I can bring them home and get a fence set up without my DH losing his temper because "those darn sheep or those darn goats" have gotten out!! *wink* I am loving my life!

Nigerian Dwarf x Nubian Cross born April 7, 2011. Her name will be Hermione.

Branching out....Baaa! Humbug!

2011-04-08T17:31:00.000-05:00

Talked Sanford into letting me try my hand at sheep! So...bottle lambs it is. I have six of them! They are so much work! When I first brought them home I was feeding them 4 times a day. Now I'm down to 3 times a day. They get 3 bottles, free choice creep feed, alfalfa, water and mineral.

I now see why they say, "Sheep are born looking for a place to die." Luckily...(knock on wood)...I have managed to keep all mine alive. Their ages range from 2 months old to 3 weeks old. Pictured above is little Ursala.

My favorite is Cinder. She's like a little puppy. She loves to be held. She also loves to climb on me. If I am in her pen, and bend over to move something or pick something up, she will paw at me and want to climb on my back. I swear if I let her in the house, she'd be happy reclining in a lazy boy watching tv. She is the oldest and the biggest.

I have plans to breed them this fall for April 2012 babies.

The days of Fall

2010-11-06T17:53:00.000-05:00

We're quickly falling from Fall into Winter. A few shots from around the farm on a rare warm fall day.

Fall means bringing home and stacking hay. Unfortunately, it means going through all the mud the fall rains were nice enough to leave behind.

Not only mud...but standing water in the corrals.

Fall also means calf weaning time. One of my favorite times of the year. I love having all the baby calves close by.

It also means winter coats for the horses.

The peaks and valleys between the highs and lows in temps have brought on something unwanted. Pneumonia. Poor Einstein is in the barn fighting it off. He's one of our bottle calves from this spring.

Our other bottle calf, Marley, who is half holstein and half jersey.

Marley hoping he can talk me into a bottle. He's the baby and never lets me forget it.

I just love his nose.

And our spring kitten Brandy is finally growing up.

2010-10-11T12:34:00.000-05:00

Finally getting back around to updating the blog. Summer was pretty busy for me. Had 3 horses to break and train for other folks. (Jade, Sharpy and Flicka) You can see photos of them at Horse Training

This fall I my foals came home. I was due to get my little bay filly, but heard that she had a hernia and switched her out with a little dun colt...but when I went to pick him up, they offered her to me for $50. I said yes. Best thing I ever did.

Dun colt that we named Chase. Still waiting on his papers. His face is shedding out. Can't tell if he's going to be a brown dun or a surprise grulla.

Bay filly that we named Calamity. Her registered name is Zan Parrs Illusion. I will post Calamity's story in a different post.

Then while at the Hermanson-Kist Production Sale in Oct, we had a moment of weakness and came home with another weanling. A gorgeous grulla filly. I'm excited to see her grow up. Her registered name is Kitty Rey Dakota. We call her Pandora.

And of course, we have my BIL's TB filly still here. Sadly no photo of her yet.

To Death do us Part:

2010-10-11T12:11:00.000-05:00

Sanford and I were married on July 16, 2010. Here is the website for our wedding. (photos and videos) Flanders Wedding

They are growing up

2010-06-28T11:43:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd post new pictures of Lyric and some updated ones of Evangeline.

A few of Lyric

A new picture of Evangeline

Blue Roan quarter horse filly

2010-06-28T11:35:00.000-05:00

This is my new addition. I'm absolutely in love with her. Now if I could figure out something to call her.

Update on things

2010-06-17T22:22:00.000-05:00

I've been bad at updating the blog, so I thought I'd try update all.

5-31-2010
At the end of May Jade's training was over. Her owners came up, tried her out and loved, loved, loved her. I guess they haven't had much luck with trainers before and was pleasantly surprised with Jade's progress in 30 days. They took her home with them that day.

6-11-2010
I, unexpectedly, sold Lillie. Wasn't planning on it, but the opportunity arouse and I had a chance to make a little girl's dream come true and I took it. A family from SD saw Lillie and fell in love with her. They brought their daughter up and tried her out and decided that they were the perfect match.

The first picture is Lillie as a 2 yr old. She was progessing nicely with training. She was each to catch in the pasture, loaded easily, picked up all 4 feet, walked, trotted, and cantered under saddle. She had a nice easy back up, side passed, and broke at the poll. Most of this training occured last year in doing just round pen work. It was nice to be able to basically saddle her up and ride off this spring. I think she has the making of an awesome horse.

This second picture is of Lillie and her new little girl. I love getting updates and pictures.

6-12-2010

So now...I have Jade back for the summer to use as my own personal horse. The owners are currently unable to ride her due to their busy schedule so she's with me for the summer. She's making a wonderful horse. The children love her. Between her continued training with me, my 17 and 14 yr old children have been riding her.

6-12-2010

I also have a new addition. A GORGEOUS buckskin yearling filly. I'm really excited to work with her and Lyric this summer. She's a Zan Parr baby too. Her registered name is Zan Parrs Shiney Bel. I will be posting updates on her training and progress during the summer.

Jade: Day 17

2010-04-30T10:23:00.000-05:00

4-25-2010

No of Days Jade's been here: 17 days
Day 7 of Training
Rides 8 and 9

(Due to the weather, I don't always get to ride every single day, so when the weather is nice, I try to get a ride in the morning and one in the afternoon.)

I realized Jade is still a little too attached to the other horses...so no more trail rides with other horses for a week or so. We're going to be working one on one. Today I worked on getting her to keep a consistant trot, we worked on her neck reining, and backing. She also gave me her first lope today. No buck or anything. She has a horribly fast trot that I'm trying to get her to relax and slow down in, but her lope is BEAUTIFUL and extremely pleasant to sit. We loped a few times around the field. She did really good.

I also noticed that she's a very mellow horse. She's got some spirit and some get up and go..but she's not eager to tap into it. Like today. She got scared of a drinker in our field that she never saw before. Except for moving sideways 3-4 feet, she just stops and looks. She's not a bolter. She did the same thing to a dove that flew out of the grass. She ABSOLUTELY loves nothing better than trail riding with other horses. Her whole attitude changes when she's in the company of other horses, but I'm not having any more trouble getting her to go out on her own now either. About the only thing she does when we're ways away from the farm is she will call out to trying to find the other horses.

Jade-Day 13

2010-04-21T21:20:00.000-05:00

4-21-2010

Day 6 of Training (rides 6 and 7)

Took Jade out today to the fields to work on trotting in circles. Working on trying to get consistant forward movement at the walk and trot when asked. This was her first time working in circles at a trot. She was doing a bit better at following her nose. Not as well as I'd like, but not bad for being day 6. Here is a video to our morning session.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v486/Dakotarose/?action=view¤t=001-8.flv

This afternoon I once again took her on a trail ride with another horse. I noticed something on this ride. She is very co-dependant on another horse if one is around. She didn't want to trot unless the other horse was trotting. She was also very happy to be a follower instead of taking the lead. This is going to mean alot more solo rides from now on. I need her to be more independent. I'd like to see her act the same way when she's with another horse when we're out on our own. I like to see her head down, very nice and relaxed. Hopefully that will come as time goes on. Noticed alot less shaking of the head. Today we got 3 steps when asked to back up a couple of times.

She also had her first bath today. She was fantastic while I sprayed her down with the hose. Think she's going to make someone a great horse.

Jade- Day 12

2010-04-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

4-20-2010

Day 5 of Training (rides 5 and 6)

Jade saddled up easily enough this morning. Headed straight out to the pasture. There we worked on walking, trotting, and stopping when asked. She hasn't figured out how to regulate her trot yet and we got an accidental lope for about 3 strides. She wasn't tossing her head around as much as she did the ride before. Her stops were better, but not as good as they could be. Worked her for about 45 minutes, brought her back up to the house and left her tied during lunch. After lunch, I had an offer for a trail ride (through our pastures), so Jade and I headed out again. Once again, with another horse along, she acting like a season trail horse. Head down, lose reins. Still hard to get her to give me a trot when asked for, specially further away from the farm. During our ride, we ran into a cow that was out of it's pasture, and Jade got her to herd her first cow back through the fence. She did really well. She didn't spook at the cow or the sound that the fence made when the cow crawled back through. We rode for about an hour. After we were back to the farm, she got her first initiation to a water bath. It was an impromptu thing so it was more like a sponge bath. She didn't flinch or throw a fit. She mainly stood there.

I think he's gone..even from the corners of my heart.

2010-04-17T22:11:00.002-05:00

I think he's finally gone for good. I'm referring to Jamie. I use to say that a part of me will always love him, but I think this week, he's gone for good...even in the corners of my heart.

Last Thursday, he sent me this text:

"If I give you the rest of my life and promise to spend the rest of eternity loving you, Will you marry me and let me take care of you?"

Through of series of more texting..he finally asked me about any good memories that I had of us. Literally, I couldn't think of a single memory that wasn't tainted through his lying/cheating/manipulating...and yet, just thinking of Sanford, I can think of dozens of good memories. Clean, happy, honest, from the heart memories. This thought was like the key to a dozen chains still holding me to the past. The worst part of it was when I confronted him regarding a past situation, he turned everything around to suit the current situation, which was trying to get me back. Manipulation at its best.

Then I get a text from him telling me he's in dire need of my help to clear out the house in Ipswich due to them repossessing it. He needs my help. I just couldn't help him due to my work schedule, but he kept pushing and pushing. Then he's like, "you can have whatever you want out of the house if you help me." This moved on to; "I'll pay you $100 if you come and help me." See..manipulations at its best. When I didn't do what he wanted, he moved on to saying things like; "Don't bother coming down, I'll get other help." "Not going to have you help that way I can be sure I can get my stuff back." to "I've bent over backwards to help you and this is what I get." He makes out that he's the injured party. Poor, poor him. Last but not least, I got the; "I want to stab myself in the heart to end all this."

I won't be made to feel guilty. I won't be made to feel sad for his situation. He brought this on himself. I would be dishonest if I don't tell you that I revel in the fact that he has begged me to take him back. After all I went through, I want him to walk a mile in the shoes that I had to wear once. It reminds me of a song my Jo Dee Messina, "Lesson in Leaving"

Somebody's gonna give you
A lesson in leavin'
Somebody's gonna give you back
What you've been givin'
And I hope that I'm around
To watch 'em knock you down
It's like you to love 'em and leave 'em
Just like you loved me and left me
It's like you to do that sort of thing
Over and over again
You're a fool-hearted man

Having those chains dropped is allowing me a whole new perspective on my relationship with Sanford. I feel like I'm looking out a window that's no longer dirty, dingy, and hard to see out of . I can see through clear, clean glass. I'm loving the new view.

Jade: Day 4 of training

2010-04-17T20:05:00.000-05:00

4-17-2010

Day 4 of training

After a brief lunge both ways, I saddled up Jade and decided to take our first lone ride out on 60 acres. I walked her out of the gates to that area and she was very jumpy going through both of them. Not sure if it's the weather or what. (pretty windy here today).

Got out to where I wanted to mount up, she was still pretty spookish, so I lunged her for a couple of minutes both ways. Mounting up went really well.

We took off for our ride. Yesterday if you had seen here you would have thought she was a seasoned trail horse. Head down and just plodding alone really well on our ride. That was not the case today. Today she was pretty quick to offer me a trot. Spent time working on our turns. Not just circles...but a ride across the field, then a turn..another ride in a different direction, then another turn. She was getting really soft and supple on the turns to the right, but fought it at first to the left.

She did alot of head tossing today. Especially when I would ask for a stop. That's going to need quite a bit of work.

To make things a bit more exciting while I was riding, I lost a gromit out of one of my reins that attach my right rein to the bit. Luckily this time her stop was perfect and I was able to get down and switch out to using my lead rope that I just happened to have taken with me today.

We rode for about 40 minutes with some trotting here and there. (have no plans to ask for a lope any time soon with her being a 2 yr old.) About that time, she decided it was time to go back to the barn. So I had a bit of a fight on my hands. If I headed her out to pasture, she would stop. If I turned her parallel she'd walk but trying to lean towards home. So I took her back towards home, got off and lunged the crap out of her at a lope. Then I immediately got on, headed back out to pasture and once we were half way through the pasture, I asked for a stop which she was happy to give and I allowed her to rest.

After that, we headed back up to the house. I rode her this time through both gates. She was still quite skittish so I let her have her head and she managed to walk through them just fine.

My goals for my next ride is to get consistant trots when I ask for them. I don't ride with spurs so I'm going to have to find something with a bit of incentive to get her to move her feet. But all in all, we had a GREAT 3rd ride (only 2nd one alone),

Jade: Day 3 of training

2010-04-16T21:23:00.000-05:00

4-16-2010

3rd day of training

After a brief lunge left and right..we went straight to tacking up. She took the saddle very easily. The bit was a "bit" more work. Just waiting until she settled down and opened her mouth for the bit. Lunged her again briefly to the left and right. She offered no buck and so I climbed on. Today she offered to move off real good. We went for our first trail ride with two other horses. She did extremely well. She didn't spook at the water, the ducks, or the mud...We rode for about 1/2 hr around the perimeter of a large pasture. She did extremely well in the presence of the other horses. We worked on our starts and stops while we were out there. Once again, the ride was cut short due to work and the fact the sun set. :( All in all, I'm very happy on how she's such a quick learner.

Sorry..no pictures. I left my phone in the house.

Jade: Day 2 of training

2010-04-15T16:20:00.000-05:00

4-15-10

Day 2 of training

The wind has been blowing horribly the last few days so that's held off any training. I was actually afraid it would actually relocate the farm, but happily enough, only a few things were blown out of place with all the 40+ mph winds we had.

Today I had cabin fever and wanted to be outside.

I grabbed my bit and decided that Jade needed an introduction to the bit and another round of sacking out. She wasn't very comfortable taking the bit. Not sure if it was the fact I had my hands around her face or the actual leather. But I held it there until she lowered her head and she accepted the bit pretty easy after that.

She chomped away at the bit as I sacked her out with a plastic bag on the end of my lunge whip. She must of remembered our first session because she accepted it no problem so I moved on to the blanket. I threw that blanket around. Her body, her legs, her neck and ever pulled it a few times over her head. She did wonderful.

I took her outside. (we'd been in the barn before) I wanted to how she would do lunging again. She moved off my pressure lunging to my left really well. Nice and soft responding. Got her to respond pretty quick to "whoa" to the point I wouldn't have to pull on the rope when I said it. She's definately a quick learner. She still had issues with moving off to my right. But after each direction change she was responding better and better.

I had taken my saddle out, but hadn't planned on trying to ride today because the winds are so crazy. (winds are gusting at 31 mph) I also didn't really have the correct blanket out with me to saddle her but I figured it would do for a short session. So I saddled her up and immediately tied her head to the left for a few minutes and to the right. She barely walked in either direction. For having the bridle on the first time she was giving to the bit almost immediately. She did have one moment tied to the right when she couldn't figure out why she couldn't turn her head to the left, but she quickly figured it out.

Did some more flapping of the stirrups, throwing them into the saddle, and dropping them. She decide to move quite a bit when doing them on the left side, so we circled and circled with me flapping until her feet quit moving. The right side went extremely well.

Things were going so great..I figured..hey..why not? I had my fiance here just in case I fell off. No time like the present. So up I went.

We had an issue of where she wanted to be frozen, and not move her feet. She would flex her head to the left and not move..but had no problem moving her feet when asked to the right. After about 5 minutes, I finally got her to move off in a straight line.

The ride was short and sweet. Not only did I have the wrong blanket for riding on her, I also only had my leadrope with me, and I was pressed for time because I had to be to work.

Here is a photo of our first ride.

Jade's first session

2010-04-11T14:52:00.000-05:00

I'll start with the stats:

Jade

2 yr old paint filly

At least 14 hands maybe even 14.1

I probably jumped the gun when it comes to working Jade today. I am without my round pen panels and am making "use" of another pen of ours..more like an oval pen. But it works for my girls, so I figured, it should work for Jade. I did have a nagging suspision that would might try to jump at a low spot in the oval pen. I should have listened to myself.

Jade is very different in personality than my two yr old or even my yearling. You can tell she hasn't been handled too much. As I brought her into the round pen, I decided the first course of action was to see what I could do. She flinched as I tried to pat her neck, and would lift her legs and lean over like she was going to lay down if I touched her legs.

She was full of piss and vinegar and she was loping around the pen pretty much on her own. All I did from time to time was demand a direction change. For a while, I could get her to change direction pretty easy but that didn't last long. Then she was trying to charge through the direction change...when that didn't work for her, she tried what I thought she would, she tried to jump. She just wasn't the brightest bulb because she went for the tallest panel. After a couple of unsuccessful tries, we were able to get back down to business.

I got a plastic bag on the end of my lunge whip and used it to sack her out until she would stand still for me rubbing her whole body, then I changed over for a thin blanket. Once I could flap that around her body/legs, I changed to my saddle blanket and then the saddle.

Saddling her went well. Honestly alot better than I had imagined. After getting the saddle on, I quickly tied her head lightly to the left and left her to figure it out on her own. After 10 minutes to the left, I cinched up the saddle a bit more and tied her to the right for about 10 minutes.

I did some sacking out with the stirrups. I flapped them, threw them up into the saddle, and dropped them. With only a slight issue with flapping on the left side, she stood completely still.

I clipped on the lunge line and asked her to lunge...I wanted to see her move her feet and see how she would respond to the saddle on her back. I also wanted her to understand that when I "kissed" I wanted her to move her feet. She was very light and responsive going to my left, but had a harder time moving her head and starting the circle my left. She moved pretty good and didn't seem to have issues with the saddle on her back. I cinched up the saddle some more.

I put some pressure into each stirrup, then put my foot into the stirrups, until I was able to lift myself in the stirrup and rub her along her back, her neck and her rear as I was leaning over the saddle. She even took a couple of small steps while I was up there. She's still a little goosey around the back cinch area, and once when my toe hit her elbow when she moved, she jumped just a bit, but otherwise took this is great stride.

Did some more giving to the left and right and moving her feet to the kissing sound, and then because rain was imminent, we called it a day. All in all, I think we had a great first session.

Here's the only picture I got from today. It's hard to get pictures when your working alone. Will try for more pictures and video next session.

Jade has arrived.

2010-04-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

My first horse job came in today. Her name is Jade. She's a two yr old paint. She's not be handled all that much...mainly to lead, to back and to pick up all 4 feet. Right now, she's a bit anxious and she's missing her friends. I'm excited to get started with her. Will be posting lots of pictures and updates!

Comanche

2010-04-08T22:02:00.000-05:00

Long story short...Comanche went back to her previous owners for a variety of reasons. She will be missed.

Getting the best of me?

2010-02-25T08:37:00.000-06:00

The Subject: Comanche~Coming 8 yr old~Has only been a broadmare so has been handled very little. She's in foal and due to deliver on or after April 16.

What's going on:

70% of the time I can walk up to her and rub her shoulder (if I'm not holding her) but then she will either throw her head over/into mine or push her body through/over mine in order to leave when SHE wants to.

30% of the time when I try to walk up to her, she chooses to walk/trot away throwing her head around.

And then yesterday: I was trying to water and feed the horses and it was Comanche's turn. She's in a small turnout/holding pen at night and after I feed her in the morning..she's turned out into a larger pen to be able to move and get excerise. Well, when I went to put hay in Comanche's pen, I tripped a bit and she jerked. So I was going to walk over to her and rub her shoulder and give her a once over like I normally do and she pinned back her ears and charged me. I moved cause she was going to go through me if she had to.

So I decided enough was enough. If she wanted to move away from me, I was going to help her. I used the run area to make her move her feet...and I kept them moving despite that I thought I was going to die running back and forth to each side of that pen. Only when I decided to let her stand, did I allow her to stop moving and then I tried to walk up to her. She moved only once...and when she did..I sent her moving again. The next time I tried she stood still. I stood there while she was recovering alternating from just standing there to rubbing her neck to rubbing her forehead. Then when I chose..I walked away from her.

An hour later:
I just came from going back out there to feed and water again and there was 180 degree difference in Comanche this time. She was laying down and allowed me to walk up to her and rub her neck. When she stood up, she was calm and quiet. I was able to go and get the halter and walk straight up to her and put it on. Nice to see a change.

The challenging part:

I don't have a round pen (where I usually start my horses) til spring.
She's in foal and due the earliest the middle of April.
The ground is frozen and snow covered

What I'd like before the foal is born:

For her to start yielding to pressure when I'm around. Yielding her neck and her butt.
I'd like her to respect my space.
I'd like to be able to touch her all over.

Looks like she and I will be "going to school" over the next week while the weather is nice.

Names

2010-02-10T09:36:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to think of names for the upcoming foal. I think I'd be ok if it's a girl, but if the foal's a boy, I don't have alot of names.

Girls
Not sure if I should stick with an "L" name?

Latte
Lark
Locket(t)
Echo

Boys
Mater (without the Ta)
Dartanyan

And some registered names:
Zan Poetry in Motion (Sonnet)
Zan Par April Showers (Rain)
Zan Pars May Flowers (Spring)
ZP Strait thru my hart (Arrow)
Z Pars Silver Lining (Cloud)
ZP Outlander (Sassenach or Fraiser)
ZP Stargate (Teal'c)

And then something along the lines if he/she is another palomino:

Etched in Gold
Dipped in Gold
Forever Gold
Echo of Gold

Comanche orientation

2010-02-05T23:06:00.000-06:00

Comanche came home on the 30th. When we loaded her at the Circle H, the former owner was worried that because I had to go into the field to catch and halter her, that I would have a hard time or she wouldn't come to me. When Comanche saw me, she walked up to me, and stood right beside me waiting for me to halter her. Then the former owner thought I might have some trouble taking her away from the herd. Comanche walked out of the pasture like she had been waiting for me to come take her away. I was very impressed!! After making it home, we got her settled down in the barn after Lillie and Lyric did a bit of showing off for her as she came off the trailer.

She's only been used for a broodmare and hasn't had alot of hands on handling. You can see it in the way she pulls back if you enter the stall, try to pet her, or try to put her halter on. So today I spent the day sort of just being in the barn with her. I would go into her stall, pet and love on her and then walk away. Pretty soon, she was following me if I moved away from her. I then wanted to see exactly how much I could touch her and spent a good portion of time brushing her, leaning on her, and placing my arm over her back. I was impressed that she took all of this in stride. Today was stall cleaning day and each time I walked out of the barn with the manure she would whinny until she saw that I was coming back inside. Tomorrow, I think she'll be put outside in the run next to Lillie and Lyric for the day.

I am so excited with my little mommie. I love rubbing her belly and just laying my hand there hoping that I'm feeling the baby move.

In the next coming week or so (depending on the weather), I want to start leading her more, getting her use to moving off pressure, and getting her use to blankets and the feel of a bit. I want to get her use to some things before the baby comes but I don't want to stress her out and harm the baby.

I am so excited about her and have such a great feeling about her training and her upcoming foal. (she's due some time after April 16)

Dreams: What makes a horse trainer?

2010-02-02T21:17:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about this alot lately. Specially since horse training is all that I'd like to do with my life. It's been this way since I started riding and showing for others back in 1998.

So what makes a person a horse trainer?

* If you get paid, does that make you a horse trainer? What if you don't get paid?
* If you ride someone else's horse does that make you a trainer? What if your only riding your own?
* If you can take a 2-3 yr old horse and break it, does that make you a trainer? What if you've never trained/broken anything over 2-3 yrs old?
*If you think you know everything, does that make you a trainer? What about if you can't name every bit you see or every breed of horse or style of riding? Does that disqualify you from being a trainer?
*If your over 30 years old, does that make you a trainer? What if your under 30?

I aspire to be a horse trainer every day. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on and watching every show I can. I try to take parts and pieces of everything, put it into actual use in my regime for my horses. What doesn't work, I toss out. What does work, I keep. For both, I try to understand why, accept it, learn from it and move on.

I've never been paid to train a horse before. I've always ridden and felt grateful to be allowed to ride. I think the biggest compliments and most horrific disappointments I have ever gotten was when I got to pick a horse out of a friend's herd to ride and train western pleasure. I took each one, worked them a little, watched their movements before deciding on a little mare named TJ. I rode and trained her for a year. At one of the first handful of shows that I started showing her at, I had a gentleman that I knew that rode for someone else, come up and ask me who she was out of/what was her breeding after she had won her class. A couple of weeks later, that same gentleman talked his way into becoming TJ's trainer. I felt so betrayed.

Does that make me a trainer? Being able to pick out a horse with potential? Training and showing and competing with others and their "trained" horses? And as a trainer did I have the right to feel betrayed if an owner decides to go with someone else? Does this make me less of a trainer to have my ride ripped out from under me?

As I'm waiting for the magical day that I become a trainer, has the day already come and gone and I've missed it, or will it always be something elusive that I keep trying to attain. Does that reaching, searching and learning and striving to be better- make me better no matter what I'm am or what I call myself? Or does a title not matter as long as I"m doing what I love to do?

No matter what, I hope I always get to work with yearlings and two yr olds. I enjoy watching them grow, mature and learn and become a horse that someone can ride. But this year, I will not only be doing it with my horses, but I'm getting paid to train my first two yr old. Dreams really do come true.

Winter storms bring attitude.

2010-01-26T13:22:00.000-06:00

We have had some bad weather over the last few days and so I tucked the girls into the barn to "weather" the storm. We have stalls made in the barn from panels. Each stall is around 10 x 10 or bigger. Two nights in a row I've had scares with Lyric. We've gone out both times for different reasons unrelated to the horses to find Lyric has wedge herself upside down either next to a wooden wall and needed us to pull her leg so she would roll over and get up or she would have a leg tucked under a panel and needing rescue. I swear she's out to give me a heart attack!

To combat her desire to get wedged somewhere, I took down a couple of panels and made a larger pen with Lillie and Lyric in it together. Hopefully THIS will keep her out of trouble.

Of course this presents a new problem. If I try to pay attention to Lyric, Lillie gets upset. Or if I want to deal with Lyric and she doesn't want me to, then it's hard to deal with her with Lillie trying to push her weight around.

This is what happened today. I walked over to pet Lyric, and she decided to give me her butt and walk off. So I tried again. Same response. Time to get tough. Walked over and got my lead rope, so that this time when she presented me with her butt, she was going to get a swat on it. If she presented me her head, I would back off the pressure and let her stand. After a couple of quick runs to the left or runs to the right, I corner her in the back of the stall. All butt. A couple of swats and she faced me. I backed up to release the pressure when she faced me. Two times of this and all was right in our world again. She allowed me to come up to her..to rub her with the rope and then I made a make shift halter out of it and led her back and fouth a couple of times. I finished up with taking the rope off and chosing to walk away from her.

I'm so ready for spring! The cows will be out to pasture, the yard will be all mine and I will once again have my corral, my runs, and my round pen back!

Dreams do come true!

2010-01-26T08:30:00.000-06:00

I've spent many years riding, training, and showing other people's horses for free just so I could ride. But this spring, I am finally offered my first paying job. A friend has a two yr old that she wants trained and she will pay! This is the start of me making my dreams come true.

More Wedding Dresses!

2010-01-21T13:15:00.003-06:00

Went back to David's Bridal cause I couldn't decide on the dress I had wanted, I kept thinking of so many changes to make to it that I figured it must not be the "it" dress. (Also hard to be sure if the "it" dress when you can't try it on.)

On the subject of "it" dresses, I have had people tell me that I will know "the One", the "it" dress. After last time, I was positive that there wasn't a wedding dress made for me. That I wasn't a wedding dress person. I can finally admit today I was wrong.

So here are the wedding dresses I tried on.

Loved this dress. The picture doesn't do it justice. But it still didn't seem like the one. I didn't feel "pretty" in it, though it was a lovely dress. (below)

Sort of thought this one (below) might have been the one. But, nope, it wasn't IT.

On a lark, I told the consultant, that I'd try on a ballgown type dress. I had previously stated I didn't want a poofy one, I didn't want a strapless one. Well, guess what, when I tried this on, I fell in love. I even giggled and thought I was "pretty". This was the one we put a deposit down on. (below)

Training the yearling

2010-01-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

To give you an idea of what I do for horse training, I thought I share some of Lillie's training up to date.

When I first got Lillie as a yearling, I spent alot of time becoming aquainted with her and letting her get to know me.

Here she is when I first saw her:

Here she is a few weeks later.

Then it was time for her to be put to work. Time for some round pen work and cementing a working relationship. In the round pen I first asked for join up. Then I worked on sacking her out. Getting her use to controlling her emotions so that she learns to trust me and not resort to running to deal with anything that frightens her.

Here is the walk!

The lope!

The Whoa!

We got use to things like buckets, blankets, tarps, ropes around our legs, tarps on our heads, blankets between our legs. Then it was time to graduate to seeing the saddle, to hearing the sounds it made like the creak of the leather, the flap of the stirrups, and last but not least, the feel of something on her back.

Don't think that all we did was work. Far from it, we spent alot of time just being together.

Lillie is the first horse I've ever tried clicker training on. We worked on flexing the neck, giving at the poll and giving to pressure at the shoulder and the back side. We spent alot of time ground driving all over the farm.

A couple of weeks ago, we got in another training session. We started out with light lunging on a line at a walk and a trot, working on our whoa and back. Then it was a quick saddle and another quick lunge at a walk and trot for a couple of minutes. And then some bending exercises to the left and right.

Spring will come and so will our first ride. I can hardly wait.

I'm a thief

2010-01-18T21:26:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to decide when I get Comanche, (saying when and not if, trying to think positive) if I would keep her name or not. Sort of thought I'd like something to go along with the "L" theme I have going. (Lillie, Lyric..etc.) Ran across a name on the forum I read and it's a perfect fit. Latte. It's another person's name for their grey mare. I feel like I'm stealing, but it so fits what I was hoping to find. Anyways..going to have to think about it. Maybe there is another "L" word out there that would suit better.

A Visit with Comanche

2010-01-17T18:27:00.000-06:00

Went out today to visit Comanche! She looks very much like a soon to be mom! I can't wait until she's all mine!!! Without further ado, more Comanche pictures.

Sunbathing babies

2010-01-14T17:09:00.000-06:00

Notice the hay Lyric still has in her mouth while she's sleeping. LOL!

My Lillie bug. I do adore her so much!

My Lillie bug is growing up!

2010-01-14T16:53:00.000-06:00

My little wildflower Lillie is growing up!! I can't believe that in 4 months she will be 2 yrs old. I've worked hard to put some decent ground work on her. The weather has been pretty crappy for the last couple of months, so I don't think she's had any round pen work for about two months. The last week, we've had some gorgeous, half way decent weather, so I've wanted to spend as much time outside with her as possible. My round pen is gone for the winter so it's just plain easy lunging on a line.

The first day or two I think she was going to see what I was made of again. She'd try to throw her butt at me a bit and/or give me a couple of little crow hops. After I let her know I wasn't going to tolerate that, she was down to business. (I actually blame the second day on the cat and dog that felt the need to lie in her path.

Today was the 4th day and she was amazing. She walked out on the line very well and showed off like there was no tomorrow. She's such an amazing girl. I am so lucky to have her. Here are a few pictures over the last couple of days.

It's amazing how a winter coat changes a horse. She went from this slim, sleek filly this summer to what looks like a fuzzy, wuzzy mule over the winter! And since the cats couldn't leave us alone, I'll include a photo.

I am going to work more on Lillie giving to pressure, whether it be on her shoulder, or her hindquarters or her head.

I am sooo excited!!!!!!!

2010-01-09T22:57:00.000-06:00

I have been in love with Lyric's mom (Comanche) since I went and picked Lyric up. The other day I was speaking to the folks that I got Lyric from (they've become very good friends of mine) and telling them how much I loved Comanche. They had no plans to sell Comanche, but when they heard how much I loved and wanted her, they offered to sell her to me!!! She is not broke to ride...yet. But she does halter, lead, and load and she seems to have a very sweet personality. She's bred for a 2010 foal so if all goes well...I will have a beautiful, sweet tempered, dapple grey mare to train and a foal. (She's bred to a buckskin)

If all goes well, she'll be home with me in time for Valentine's Day and we'll have a healthy foal been my birthday and April Fool's Day.

Here are a few photos of her.

The foal she is with is Lyric, her 09 foal.

Blonde At Heart

2010-01-04T21:37:00.004-06:00

My daughter is honestly a true blonde (no offense to those that may be blonde). But she seriously has some super famous blonde moments. I thought I would share my plethora of blonde moments that we experienced in the last year.

Julia Child She Is Not
Jessica decided one day to make dinner. The one meal that she can make besides Ramen is Taco Salad. Sanford came in to find that she was stabbing some meat that she'd taken out of the microwave. When asked what she was doing, she tells him she was trying to crumble the hamburger. Sanford hated to inform her that she was stabbing a roast instead of a pkg of hamburger. He had to pull out a pkg of hamburger for her and put the half thawed roast in the slow cooker for dinner the next day.

A Farmer She Is Not
Jessica has been harrassing us to get her a bottle fed calf. We finally told her that if she could answer this ONE question, we'd think about getting her a calf. This is the question we asked her- If a steer had a calf and didn't feed it, why didn't it feed it? Jessica's initial response- "Because it didn't want to." We wait patiently for a week for her to give us an answer, but she never does and we think she's dropped the idea until she brings it up again. So we ask her if she's figured out the answer to the question. She says, "Noooo." So we tell her she can phone a friend to help. She calls her cousin Courtney. You can hear her on the phone. I tell her to make sure she repeats the question exactly as we asked it. She asks her cousin, "so...if a steer has a calf why doesn't it feed it?" And then there is dead silence for about 30 seconds and then you hear Jessica errupt from the back seat, "I HATE you guys!!!!" LOL! I bet she'll never forget that a steer is a neutered bull.

George Washington
One day after school, Sanford has gone to pick Jessica up from the bus. I hear them coming into the house and one of the first things I hear is him calling her a dumb @ss. I ask them what is up, and this is the story I get.

Sanford: "She says she has to do a report on George Washington.
Jessica: "I told him I need to look up George Washington on the computer cause I have to do a report."
Sanford: "So I told her to do it the old fashioned way, look him up in an encyclopedia."
Jessica: "George Washington ISN'T in the encyclopedia!!!!!!!!"
Sanford: "Here's your sign."

Disposable Thumbs
Driving in the car today, Sanford and I were picking on Jessica. We told her we needed to get her one of the those shock collars so that she'd do her chores and behave. She told us that she had disposable thumbs so she could just take the collar off and not wear it.

More to come.

Happy New Year 2010!!!!!

2010-01-01T06:32:00.004-06:00

Looking back to the first post A New Year, A New Life, A Whole New Me that I wrote here, I never thought the words "New Year, New Life and a whole new me" would take on the their actual meaning! Wow!! All I can say, is What a Year!

Last January, I did indeed make the 1500ish hundred mile trip down south. I stayed exactly 5 days with my dad before I realized that it wasn't for me. That life was too fast paced. There was murder, death, robberies around every corner. You locked your house, your car, anything with value or it was going to be stolen. After being up north I'd also forgotten about how different the weather was; the humidity, the heat and the rain. This was NOT the life for me. So after 5 days I packed back up and drove the same roads back up north to a little town in ND that some of my family lived in. I never dreamed my destiny awaited me here.

It took a while but I started to feel like I belonged in this little town. I got a couple of jobs that would allow me to make it month to month. I worked in a couple of local bars. I loved my jobs. Too bad the women that already worked there didn't like me. I won't go into too many details for fear of sounding like a soap opera, but after 5 months of working at one bar, I got the boot because the lady that worked there before me was free for the summer and she didn't want competition. Then appx 5 months later, I got the boot at the second place. It must have been fate because I had applied for another job that allowed me to work at home, and I had been accepted. Now I'd no longer be gone from the house and my daughter from the time she got off the bus til 2 a.m. in the morning.

In January, shortly after I got here, a gentleman named Sanford asked me out on a date. Even though I was newly seperated from my husband, I figured a change would be good, it wouldn't hurt me to enjoy the company of someone else to forget my sadness. I said Yes and never realized how that one little word would end up changing my life.

My life changed because of him. He pulled me into his life of farming and a gal who once never left her house, was never home. There was hay to pick up, cattle to check, calves to birth. Farming life was never boring. He not only included me but my daughter as well. We were a package, a team, and he was more than willing to share and be part of the team.

January, February, and March flew by. In March, one night Sanford asked me over to his house, where he presented me his class ring and asked me to go steady. I said yes.

In April, if you read the post April Fools then you'll realize how utterly scary April was. The friend who I thought was a good friend (we will call her Alice). Alice, who said she was worried about my daughter and I was amazed at what a wonderful friend I had? I was wrong. Weeks after the accident, I would her if she wanted me to pay for her car, and she would turn me down repeatedly. She told me she understood that I needed my money for my family and for seeing my son over the summer.

A couple of months after the accident, (after living in my house for a month, after letting me pay for groceries, the water, power etc. After using my vehicle to help her move to the town I live in. After using Sanford's car and hitting an animal and wrecking it to the tune of $1000 and then refusing to pay for it.) Alice came to me and told me she wanted her money and she wanted it now. She told me this 89 Grande Prix was worth $10 k alone because of its paint job.

After looking at Blue Book and talking to a couple of people, I stepped up to the plate, shouldered my responsibility and told her that I would pay her $2k because thats what the car was worth. We wrote up a contract, and I started making payments. I even made my daughter give Alice any babysitting money that she had earned.

A few months after this, Alice disappeared from the town and I quit making payments until I would get a receipt for the payment I had previously made. One day Alice shows up and asks me where her money is. I tell her I'll start paying again as soon as I get a receipt. And this is where things go really, really bad. She decides she's going to ignore the $100 that I had loaned on her behalf and the babysitting money that my daughter had given her. I was furious!!! She even again refused to pay for Sanford's car, telling me she wasn't responsible. I got mad and told her I wasn't going to pay her til I got a receipt for the full amount. She started to blackmail me and that she was going to get the cops and have my daughter arrested if I didn't give her the money. We told her we'd be more than happy to call the police. She jumped in her vehicle and disappeared in a cloud of dust.

I've never heard from her since. Though I did hear back from the police. Seems there is a warrant out for HER arrest. Justice is sweet.

June, July, August and September fly by. I was still waiting for summer, and we'd already gone into fall. On October 3rd Sanford asked me to marry him. I said Yes!!!!

I spent my first Thanksgiving with Sanford. That holiday was a bit rough until I realized I was all too focused on the wrong part of the holiday.

Christmas was around the corner, and it was one of the most memorable Christmas's that I've had in a very long time. I was surrounded by family, friends and people that loved me. Life is good.

So that brings me back to the New Year. I've seen alot of folks on facebook mention things like "Good riddence to 2009!" At first, I was ready to agree with them. I mean, come on..my 2009 didn't start out on a good note.

And then I realized, hey..my 2009 was a good year. I met my fiance this year. I have a new life on a farm doing everything I love. My daughter wasn't hurt in that car crash (and neither was anyone else). I have a job that allows me to be with my daughter. Alice that felt the need to harrass me, is now being hunted by the law. I have family that loves me nearby and always willing to help me if I need it. My friends have been steady and true and I'm blessed to have them in my life. I only hope that 2010 will be just as good as 2009 has been to me.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!

My loves

2009-12-13T22:42:00.003-06:00

These are my loves. 3 long haired chihuahus and one Italian Greyhound.

From left to right: Sasparilla, Willow, Aries, and Cinnamon. Notice they are going Green. Instead of turning up the heat, they are dog piling to stay warm. Wonder if this would qualify for the Federal Tax Credits for Consumer Energy Efficiency?

Feeling her oats!

2009-12-13T22:30:00.000-06:00

Lillie has been hanging out recently in the corral with Lyric and the weaned calves. Since being allowed this "lap of luxury", she has started feeling a bit..shall we say, frisky!! Here are a few photos of Lillie showing how she REALLY feels. (Please ignore the blur..I had my camera on the wrong setting.)

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T16:25:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and for the longest time I was wallowing in misery. I was sad because I wasn't in my "own" home cooking my "own" Thanksgiving Dinner and having my "own" traditions. Instead I was having dinner at my fiance's mother's house. I was't cooking my own dinner, I was being treated to a dinner by his mom. I wasn't having my own traditions after dinner, but instead hanging out at his mom's house.

All I could think about was how unhappy I was. Not only was I going to miss out on my Thanksgiving Traditions (Turkey, leftovers, a day of games and laughing and being comfortably in my own home) I was going to miss out on the day after traditions. I've always put up a tree the day after Thanksgiving. I've spent years collecting a few special ornaments each year to hang on the tree....but when I started my new life, I lost all of that.

It didn't hit me until just now, almost 24 hours later, exactly what Thanksgiving should have meant to me. And now, here are the things I'm thankful for.

I am thankful for my wonderful fiance, who I think is an amazing man and treats me way better than I ever deserve.
I am thankful I have a beautiful daughter who on occasion, chooses to grace me with respect, giving, and a careful and cheerful attitude.
I am thankful for the home I have.
I am thankful for all my animals that bring a wonderful joy into my life. I wouldn't be whole without them.
I am extremely thankful to our new puppy Wyatt that keeps me on my toes and feeling young.
I am thankful that I have a job that allows me to spend time with my fiance.
I am thankful for all the wonderful friends in my life. I don't tell them enough how much they mean to me.
I am thankful to the family that has been there for me the past year and went out of their way to help me. I owe them so much.
I am thankful that I get a chance to make new traditions with my new family.

Thanksgiving isn't just about traditions and being stuck to them. It's more about being thankful for the things in your life. While the traditions are nice, it's the people that your with that make them fun.

To everyone that I've love, have loved, call friend, or call family. Happy Thanksgiving Day!!!!

Weights and Measures

2009-11-10T17:48:00.000-06:00

10-10-2009 Lillie is 53 inches tall or 13.2 hands.
I haven't checked Lyric, but will try to remember to tomorrow.

Wedding dress disasters

2009-11-10T16:14:00.005-06:00

Why didn't someone warn me? Why wasn't a bulletin or a memo sent out about this stuff? How could I be 37 yrs old and married twice and really not have a clue? There should be booklets sent out about wedding gowns and trying to pick one out.

You can't just go in, point and say, I want that one, or say I want to try on those two and walk out 15 minutes later with the gown of your choice. That would be too easy. It's more like walk in, end up having to make an appt to LOOK at gowns, show up for appt. a week later, answer aimless questions that don't seem to have a single thing to do with getting an actual dress, end up undressing and wearing underclothes meant to tuck and suck that aren't your own, and being shoveled head first into one gown after another before they want to hand you a $1200 bill that they swear if you don't buy it now, it might not be there when you get back and then you find out you've wasted a half day doing this.

You can't prepare youself for something like this. And for someone like me, this was akin to shoving bamboo sticks under my fingernails. It was horrible. I hate people I don't know. I hate giving information that I don't see as relevant, and I hate being half naked in front of a store full of people. Not my idea of a fun Saturday.

Anyways..I thought I would share some of my horrible wedding dress moments. If you notice in the pictures, and think, "hey...she looks miserable" times that by 100 and that's exactly how miserable it was.

Without further ado.........................

Can we say dopey, dumpy..and just plain unattractive. I liked the last dress the best of the ones I tried on, but I honestly felt horrible and wanted to cry after leaving the store. Maybe some people (namely me) aren't made for wedding dresses.

Lyric and I

2009-11-10T16:10:00.000-06:00

I finally feel like I'm making a connection with Lyric. I've been spending more time working with her; brushing, picking up her feet, sacking (with a blanket), getting her use to ropes around her legs, taking her halter on and off, and giving to pressure. I think she's doing wonderfully!!! I am just in love with her!!!!!! Ps..notice she has a new blue halter! Do you think blue is her color?

The Beginning

2009-10-28T16:40:00.000-05:00

I took the camera out and grabbed a couple of photos of Lyric today. Despite being filthy, she was absolutely darling! It's hard to keep a light horse looking clean when it's constantly raining and/or snowing. (which we are scheduled to get more of in the next couple of days.)

I took advantage of the slightly warmer weather. (45 degrees and no rain) to work on sacking her out. She has a nasty habit of kicking/bitting. So today I attached a plastic bag on the end of my whip and worked on desensitizing her to the bag. I'll have to say for a foal/weanling she was positively determined to kill it or get away from it.

I finally got her to where she would stand and let me rub it on her. I saw her thinking for a bit, licking her lips. I also drug it on the ground and had her follow it. I allowed her to sniff it and I would wave it back and fourth in the air over her head.

We stopped at a time where she seemed to be accepting the bag, and the I worked a bit on her giving of her feet. I've been using a rope to have her give her feet. So far she's been doing wonderful with that. I haven't tried to use my hands on her back legs yet because she's still so quick to try to lash out. I guess I can't blame her too much. Just a couple of weeks ago, she was roaming a pasture free of human interference and now all she has is me.

We ended the session with lots of scratches which she absolutely loves. I think during these times if she could she'd crawl into my lap and let me scratch her head til she fell asleep!

It's raining, it's pouring....

2009-10-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

It's so annoying that it's been raining so much. It will rain a few days, leave the yard muddy and messy, then cloudy or partly sunny for a day or two and then more rain. Even last week, we had close to 3 inches of snow already. Luckily it melted the next day (and helped keep the yard muddy.) I've been working longer hours the last couple of weeks and inbetween that and the rain, I just haven't spent the time I'd like with Lillie and Lyric.

Today I had one hr between shifts, and I ran out and worked Lillie in the round pen. Just a quick warm up and join up. Then I wanted to work on her backing which I have to say is one of her worst things to do. I started getting frustrated with her and decided to quit. Hopefully on my time off, I'm going to work more with her back and giving to pressures.

Lyric, well, she's a weanling and just a little snot, lol! It's like she know's she the baby. I feel like that old dinasour show, where the baby kept hitting the dad over the head and saying, "Not the Mama!" She knows I took her from her mom, and just a brat about it. I am hoping to work with her to get her to stand still, give her feet, and work on touching her and creating more of a bond with her.

Well, that's my rant today. Here's to having 4 days off in a row.

A little bit of sunshine

2009-10-21T10:10:00.000-05:00

Lillie has been a such a dream that I felt the need to have 1 more quarter horse. This way, I could have my fiance go with me or my daughter ride with me. I didn't HAVE to be alone if I didn't want to be. So the search began for my next perfect horse. I thought I could go with another breed besides quarterhorse. I looked at some paints and paint mixes, but I couldn't give up my favorite breed. So I went back to the lady that I got Lillie from.

We drove for over 4 hrs, one side of her farm to the next, hoping to find what I was looking for. At the end of our trip, we came across this darling palomino filly (quarterhorse). I loved the look of her mother, and there was something about the filly's small feminine face that called to me. I knew she was the one and I just had to have her.

We brought her home two weeks ago. The seller was very nice to help us get a halter and lead rope on her before we brought her home. She's taken the change pretty good. It's taken us two weeks but we've finally come up with a name and a registered name for her. We will be calling her Lyric, but her registered name will hopefully be Zan Parrs Gold Dust.

Lyric went on her first walk around the farm being led. She did wonderful. She only had one issue near the end of the walk. She decided she was leaving me and tried to take off, lol. She didn't make it far, and then decided she could act like a lady for the rest of the walk. She does show off the weanling immaturity. She has tried to nip me a couple of times and tried to kick me once. I can't wait to see her mature into a beautiful yearling!

Lillie makes her ownhoofprint on my heart

2009-10-21T07:14:00.000-05:00

She's my first horse that I've owned since I was a kid. She was gotten because she reminded me so much of my first horse, but she quickly put her own mark on me and I love her because of who she is. Her registered name is Zan Parrs Own Lilly. She is out of Zan Parrs Dusty Eye and LPB Roman Jackie. We call her Lillie.

This picture was taken the first day I saw her. I just knew in my heart that was was meant to be mine. It was just like I was 15 again, and I could hardly wait for her to come home.

We got her home and she fit right in. She was wormed right away and with summer starting, she lost her baby/winter coat pretty quickly and turn into a gorgeous filly.

We started her ground work, round pen work, and getting her use to farm equipment. It didn't take her long to get use to items like tarps, blankets, ropes, and even a saddle. I also used a variation of clicker training on her. She picked up on that immediately.

She's been with me for 4 months and I can't remember what it was like for her not to be here. She's an amazing horse and I'm looking forward to continue our training and learning together and being able to ride her for the first time. Please check back often to hear more about Lillie and her progress in training.

Where it all started

2009-10-21T06:37:00.000-05:00

This is where it all started, just minus 4 yrs off me and make her a yearling. I can remember the day that we went to get her. A friend of my mom's helped young girls get started in horses and made my mom a deal and sold her for $200 to us. When we drove up the drive to pick her up, (a 6 hr drive from my house to theirs) I was so excited I could hardly sit still. I can remember seeing this tiny donkey looking thing tied to a log on the right side of the driveway. I can also remember thinking, please don't let that ugly thing be my horse.

Computing Carla was her registered name and she was mine. To see her pedigree click here: http://www.allbreedpedigree.com/computing+carla

She was such a little ugly duckling. She was so tiny, we had no problem loading her into the back of the pickup and hauling her home that way. She was range born, which meant pretty much wild. She didn't know humans and at first didn't care to know them. I didn't know my ugly duckling would blossom into such a gorgeous swan!

I spent the next year reading everything I could about training horses. You've never seen such a scrawny kid so devoted to learning. I had my head in horse magazines and every library book I could find. I spent every second of every day next to her getting use to her and having her get use to me. For months, I would just sit with her. Nothing else, just being. I slowly started doing ground work in the round pen with her and before I knew it she was 2 yrs old, and didn't even know I wasn't suppose to be on her. My family wasn't well off and I spent that entire first summer riding her around with nothing but a halter and lead rope. It was an amazing summer.

That was the start of a whole new life for me. I was finally was on the inside, part of the elite community of horse owners. I had spent years watching people go by on their horses wishing I was part of that life. Now I could ride my horse and see little boys and girls drive by with their faces pressed to the glass. I knew what they were thinking because I had once been there.

We had a wonderful relationship. Carla trusted me and I trusted her. I can't count how many times we would curl up on the ground together. I could walk through her legs. She knew I would never hurt her. She was the best horse a girl could have.

I had Carla for 4 yrs. Those were the best years of my life. Then the year that I turned 19, I decided that I was going to follow in my father's footsteps and go into the Air Force. It never occured to me that Carla wouldn't be part of my life forever.

In the military, I was sent overseas for my first duty station, and my parents decided that they couldn't keep my horse for me and she was sold. For years I dreamed of her, usually about once a month. In the dreams, I was always trying to get to her but she was just always out of reach. Never to be mine again. I dreamed the same dream for over 20 years until a year ago. Last year I had my last dream of her. I dreamed that she had passed away.

She will always be the perfect horse, the one I measure all other horses against. They will have to be amazing horses to measure up that high. She will always live on in my heart and in my memories. I love you girl, always have, always will. If your still alive, know that I have searched for you and won't give up until I have no hope left. If your in heaven, save me a spot, I'll look for you when I get there.

Clouds and their Silver Linings

2009-10-11T15:38:00.002-05:00

I hate Sanford's brother. He's such a major jerk. He normally is in Arizona where he races thoroughbreds. He thinks he's this big shot, and when he comes back home (where we live). He's Mr. Big Shot, always trying to take over etc..etc..(he's here for a funeral)

Today, Sanford and I wake up to "him" being here already this morning. I start making breakfast and Sanford goes outside to see what his brother is up to. About 15 minutes later, he comes back in and tells me he's outside moving panels to bring up one of the thoroughbreds that he dropped off this past July that's not taking the climate/atmosphere change very well and has lost a bit of weight.

I got mad because he was feeding what I consider "my horses". Lillie (who really is mine) and Fujita and Calamity whom both have been in the pasture left alone for 6 yrs and 3-4 yrs and never been messed with. So I consider them mine.

I decide since he was feeding the horses, I'd run out real quick and worm Lillie like I had wanted to this morning before she eats any more. I get out there and "he" has Calamity cornered in part of the barn. I've been working with her for the last couple of weeks to get her to trust me. And he's got her cornered and trying to pet her. So I ask him if he would quit..that he could work Fujita if he wanted to, just leave Calamity alone. He tells me that he'll work whatever F'ing horse he wants that they all his f'ing horses.
I said for them being his horses, they've been in the pasture for years with no work/no one handling them. He pipes up he knows where his f'ing horses are. I informed "him" they were not all his horses. Lillie was mine.

Not only has he fed my horses, gotten Calamity cornered, but he's gone into the barn, moved panels around, throwing out my straw, so he can bring his thoroughbred up to the barn. I tell him there is another pen outide that he can use and he tells me that his thoroughbred is worth more than all the other horses on the farm and he doesn't want his thoroughbred (cribbing, crappy thoroughbred: my words, not his, no offense to those with thoroughbreds.) outside in the elements. He's putting his horse where my filly Flirt was suppose to be. (we were suppose to pick her up today or tomorrow.) And just what I want..a cribbing horse next to Lillie so she'd start cribbing.

And then he tells me that I can't worm my own horse cause she's already eating this morning. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

I hug on Lillie for a few minutes and then I came back inside where I immediately started crying. (emotions were all pent up.) He didn't want nothing to do with Fujita or Calamity but now that I'm working them, he wants them and he's gonna take 'em back to Arizona with him. (I'd lay $$ on it.) I am just so heart sick over this. I hate when he comes home. Wish he'd just go away and stay away.

He's still outside now and I feel like I'm caged inside. I'm afraid to go outside and work the horses. Btw..I'm thinking of just putting Fujita and Calamity back out to pasture. I don't want to put my heart and soul into Calamity (she's my favorite) and get a close knit bond with her for him to take her away from me.

Did I mention I just want him to just go away and leave me ALONE!!!!!!!!!!????

About an hour later, I was laying outside in the round pen on the ground with Calamity walking around me and I looked up and saw a small blue spot depsite the dense clouds we had. It reminded me that even with my problems, if I look hard enough I'll find a silver lining. Sure enough, I get a call and I'm picking up my palomino filly tomorrow.

Love and happily ever after

2009-10-09T22:55:00.006-05:00

I have been dating the most amazing man I know. He's a beautiful person inside and out. He's sweet, kind, loving, honest, honorable, and courageous. He has taught me so much. Not only about farming and life on the farm but about moving forward and not looking back. He's taught me unconditional love, that there are knights in shining armor lurking around, just hidden beneath the ordinary exteriors of men. He's taught me passion for life.

He possesses a knight's code of honor:

**Valour (bravery)
**Virtue (moral excellence; righteousness)
**Duty
**Loyalty
**Trust
**Largesse (generousity of spirit or attitude)
**Renown (widespread reputation of being good)

And as any good knight would, he had to have a steed. On October 3, 2009, He took me down to the barn next to my horse (the only place I would have wanted to be asked) and asked me to marry him. I happily said Yes. We are hoping to be married June 5, 2010.

Change

2009-07-12T20:13:00.017-05:00

Why is change such a hard thing to deal with for me. I stress and stress and make life miserable for myself and those around me when it comes to change. The past 6 months has held so much change for me you would think that I would be use to it by now. I'm not. Ok.. so what changes have I made?

I moved from Ipswich to Tuttle. Change IS good.
I divorced my husband and am currently dating a wonderful gentleman. Change IS good.
I no longer live in town, I live on a farm. Cattle, horses, cats, rabbits and dogs galore. Change IS good.
I am no longer holed up in a house day in and day out. I am on the go, helping where I can with farming and ranching. Change IS good.
I no longer do a job and not get paid for it. I work from home and get an hourly wage. Change IS good.
I never had a social life. Now I go out on dates. I've gone to the lake, I've gone dancing, I've played darts, I've gone to picnics. Change IS good.
I didn't have friends or family. Now I have friends and family. Change IS good.
I didn't have the horse I wanted. Now I have a gorgeous filly. Change IS good.
I wanted someone that loved me "just the way I was" and was willing to stick though the better and the worse. Now I do. Change IS good!

So why, when all this change IS a good thing, why when there are little changes do I panick and want to retreat to the familiar. Why can't I look out and say, "Hey..change is coming and it's a good thing?!"

My parents came up to visit for a couple of days. I was totally wigging about their visit. But they came to visit, it went smoothly. So why was I stressing about change.

I recently moved in with my boyfriend. The week and a half of moving was extremely stressful. I worried about everything. Did he have to work? Did I have to work? Where were we going to put everything? Was he going to be able to help? Was I going to get help? Would we get moved in a timely fashion? How do I learn to share him with his family? Will I fit in with his family?
Once again, everything has turned out good. So why did I stress over the change?

Now that I've moved out here, I'm trying to find my role in this new life. Where exactly do I fit in? Once again I stress over it. Why can't I relax and just take things as they come?

How do I embrace the person I am? A person that likes time tables and charts, that likes things exactly where she put them, that likes things and items to be there for her use as she planned? How do I embrace this person and somehow not panick and wig everytime there is some sort of change?

Life on a farm is not for a person like me when it comes to time tables and orderly fashions. Things change with the weather here. You can plan something but it may or may not go the way you planned. So maybe this is just another change that will be the better for me. Maybe this change will help me not be a stickler for time tables. Maybe this will help me roll with the punches and be a better person for it.

(**Btw..for those that read this and noticed the part about my living with my boyfriend, please note that he has hinted that his intentions are honorable and he has some plans that he's not divulging with me for the upcoming fall season. He has met my parents and they have unofficially given him their blessing.)

2009-06-23T19:58:00.002-05:00

Be the kind of woman that when your feet the floor each morning the devil says "Oh crap, She's up!" Sister, life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Love the ones who don't just because you can. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Kiss slowly. Forgive quickly. God never said life would be easy, he just promised it would be worth it. I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hair spray I use and the friends I have. (and my family of course!)

A friend sent me this text. It has/had a profound effect on me. I want to wake up each morning and go to bed each night with this in my thoughts. I hope others enjoy this sentiment as well.

Lessons learned

2009-04-29T23:07:00.003-05:00

It seems like a thousand miles and a million steps from last December when I learned that my now ex husband wanted a divorce. It's hard to believe it's almost 5 months. Five months ago, I didn't think I would survive a day or night without him. That I would wither and die without him being there with and for me. I thought I had lost my soul mate, the one person created on this earth for me that understood me. Hidesight sure is 20/20.

Earlier this week I received this email from him; "I am sorry about hurting you. In the beginning, I thought that after a few months you would learn what it took to be on your own and want to come back, I REALLY wanted you to come back. I see now that I was not making you happy and I had changed the person you used to be. You were not happy and I did nothing to help you or to make you happy. I am very sorry for that. I fell in love with the outgoing, fun, sassy girl you were in Alabama. I loved the way you were with other people and the way you giggles and pranced around like a real woman. You were self reliant and head strong and I loved it. Over time everyone changes, and I made you change too much, or at least our lives together did. This stupid job in Dickinson was the worst thing that could have happened to us. You never got to see me, I was gone all the time and we never did anything that real couples do. "

I was going to say he taught me a few things, but in reality it's more because of him I learned a few things.
-Because of him that I can stand up for myself and take care of myself.
-Because of him I am learning more about me and who I am.
-Because of him I am learning that the last 7 years wasn't living.
-Because of him I have made a ton of new friends.
-Because of him I've learned that what he did wasn't loving and he wasn't my soulmate.
-Because of him I can finally get on with living my life.

April 21st was a day for celebration. Our divorce was final and I am now me. Tomorrow, April 30th will hopefully be the last time that I see him. I will drive down to pick up what meager belongs he will let me have and that will be the end of our life together.

The continued journey of my new life is still rewarding and fullfilling. Everyday is something new and exciting.

Almost 5 months later, I can sleep in my own bed alone, I can survive on my own, I can and do live and florish without him. I will never go back to him no matter how many times he asks!

My most important lesson that I've learned: I learned he needed me more than I ever needed him.

April Fool's

2009-04-02T13:52:00.007-05:00

I get a call from my frantic daughter, gasping for breath saying that she had been in an accident. Besides asking if she is ok, I tell her I'm on my way. I'm rushing out the door with a friend in tow and my boyfriend tossing us his keys telling me he'll find his own way home and make sure Jessie is safe. I'm partially upset and partially worried. I'm thinking I'll kill her once I know she's safe and how am I going to get a car towed out of the ditch. Little did I know.

After 12 miles of driving slowly on icy roads we come upon the car. It's appx 60 feet, give or take from the road. It's dark out and I'm thinking..hmm..we should be able to pull that out just fine, until my friend gasps at her car and says, "Is my car upside down!???" O.M.G.!!!!!

I should start by saying while I was at work last night my daughter borrowed a friend's car, (with her permission) drove it on horrible roads, (we had travel advisories all over the state), and preceeded to flip it two or three times before having it go head over heels to land appx 1/2 a football field's length away from the highway. My daughter, while 16 has less than a hour's driving under her belt and doesn't have either a permit OR a driver's liscense.

We continue to head to town and I grab my cousin who is an EMT and her boyfriend and son who follow along to help just in case and we try to find the farm that my daughter has run to. After a couple of wrong roads, we find her. She's scared, shaken, scratched and dented just a bit but otherwise fine. By now I'm a nervous wreck myself. I'm so happy to know that she's alive and ok. But I had a 1000 things going on through my mind:

1. The gal who owns the car, I've only known her a few weeks. Not only is her car gone, but will I lose her friendship as well.
2. How am I going to pay for a car that my daughter just destroyed?
3. Will I lose my daughter because of actions and what kind of reprecussions will this have on her future?
4. Will I lose my new boyfriend because he doesn't want the hassle that comes with teenagers?

These are just a few things that kept playing over and over in my head that I have a headache from all the worry.

BUT.....I was blessed. This was not an April Fool's joke.

God must have been looking out for all of us lately. My friend wasn't worried about her car as much as she was worried about Jessie. She didn't want the police involved because she didn't want to ruin Jessie's future. I know she saw her precious car that she adored flipped over on the side of the road, but all she kept saying is, "Let's just make sure Jessie is safe..."

My Boyfriend didn't run like I thought he would. He looked me in the face, said he loved both of us, and what kind of guy would he be if he did that. Could I love him more? I don't think so.

I had family and friends that was there to help immediately that night. I had a wonderful boss that didn't hesitate to let me leave work even when we didn't know what exactly had happened.

Jessie had asked her 14 yr old cousin to go along but luckily she did not. The passengar side was caved in. I'm not sure she would have survived the accident.

Jessie wasn't wearing a seat belt. She wasn't thrown from the car and luckily wasn't seriously injured.

There was no oncomming traffic so Jessie didn't hurt any innocent bystanders.

April 1st will always be the day that I look back and realize how truly lucky and blessed my daughter and I are. Thank you to that person that feels he borrowed some of his family's good luck to Jessie that night. You will always hold a special place in my heart for keeping one of my most precious children alive. I love you.

5 Things

2009-03-11T14:35:00.013-05:00

Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your Blog and elaborate on the subjects given.You can ask questions about the post without me giving you 5 subjects.

If you do want topics, please ask for them.I received my topics from Pastor Alan Kornacki at http://pastoralkorn.blogspot.com/

1. Animals
2. Family
3. North Dakota
4. Military Service
5. Relationships

1. Animals
I don't know if it's to fulfill my need to have family or the desire to be a mom, but I love animals. If I could I would have a house full. Wait..I think I do, lol. I mean I do have 7 dogs. Of course all of them together doesn't weigh as much as your average dog. I hope one day to have a farm/land of my own and I want to own so many different animals; cows, dogs, cats, horses and rabbits. If it's four legged, two legged furry, or feathered, then it can have a home with me. I love them all. To me they are more than pets. They are my family, my heart, the loves of my life.

2. Family
There are two types of family in my opinion. The first kind is the family of your birth and blood. The family you were your born into . Your kin. They are the ones that you don't choose. The ones that should be there to love and support you no matter what. Unfortunately, not everyone is born into a close knit, loving, supportive and caring family. So when you don't have the fortune to have one of those families, then there is the other kind.

The second kind is the family of your heart. Close friends of your choosing that are there for you. They are loving and supportive and love you in spite of all your flaws. They are the ones that see your flaws, accept them, and still love you unconditionally. The ones that have taken the words "in sickness and in health, to love, honor and cherish for as long as we both shall live" and given these words a whole new meaning. I have been extremely blessed to have a few of these family members in my life. These close friends are with you through thick and thin. Marriages, kids, divorces, separations, losing contact, getting back together. They are the best family that a person can have.

3. North Dakota
It's not a place that one wakes up in the morning and says, "Hey....let's move to North Dakota!" It's a magestic and magical place that not many folks have the chance to experience. It has frigid winters, high winds and hot summers. But there is so much more to it. It's the open space, the friendly people, the sunsets and sunrises, it's being able to see further than you thought possible. It's the clean, fresh air. It's the flat plains, the Painted Canyon, and the lakes. It's the wildlife that roams this area. It's the million of stars or the northern lights you can see on a clear night. After being up here for 7 years, I'm not sure I'd want to live anywhere else. It's home.

4. Military Service
I couldn't be more humbled at all the men and women that are in the service that protect our freedom. Each one puts their life on the line to keep my way of life protected. We owe them more than we can ever repay. But, I've been there, done that. It wasn't for a girl like me. I am happy to be out.

5. Relationships
I'm not sure what to say about relationships. When I think of relationships I think of marriage and when I think of marriage I think of my two failed marriages. All my life I wanted to be just like my grandparents. (the heroes of my life) They were married for over 50 years. I wanted that special connection they seemed to have with each other. The kind that didn't allow for marriages being "disposable" as most things are these days. They were married, had kids, lived through a depression. I'm sure they fought, but they fought in such a way that they made it through all the rough times. I can remember my grandmother telling me that one Christmas she got an orange and a peppermint stick. She reminded me that it's the simple things in life that you should get pleasure from. One day, despite two failed marriages, I hope I find someone that loves me, wants to stick by me through thick and thin, and enjoys the simple things in life.

Picking Up and Moving On.

2009-03-11T09:48:00.002-05:00

Oh my gosh! So many things have happened in the last two months. I'm not even sure where to start.

On January 17th, I walked out of the door of the home I thought I would spend my life in with the husband I thought I had forever with. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach as I made me way to my packed van and pulled out of the driveway. The last thing I saw was the sign over the doorway that read Jamie and Candice. The only saving grace to that day was having one little thing to look forward to and that was meeting a long time friend from the internet.

JB and his girlfriend drove from Rapid City to meet me in Pierre SD for a 3 hr visit. JB is just as wonderful in person as he is online. Girls, he's french canadian, 6 feet tall, drop dead gorgeous with a heart of gold. Any girl's dream. He picked me up in this huge bear hug and kissed me on both cheeks. I think my heart stopped for a brief moment. :) It was a perfect visit! The hardest part was saying goodbye. I didn't want to leave but I had to start the journey of my new life.

I won't give you all the details, but I made the trip to Ms. and visited my Dad, Step-Mom and Brother. It was a good visit. As an adult I realize what super parents I really do have. After some hitches that didn't allow me to stay there, I decided to take my aunt up on her offer to live in ND. A week after arriving in Ms., I turned around and drove back up north.

On January 27th, I moved into my new house (an empty house that my aunt owned) and thus have started on my new grand adventures of a single mother raising a teenage daughter.

The first week or two was extremely hard for me. I didn't want to unpack. I wanted to run. I'm not exactly sure where I was running too, but I was running. I think I was hoping to find "home" again. I went through anxieties, panic attacks, tears, heartache, heartbreak. I will say that on numerous times I broke down and asked HIM to take me back. Each time, he said no. He was happier without me than with me.

On the 3rd week, I was getting better. My cousin Vickie was my rock, my support, my new best friend. She kept me from being alone which was the worst thing for me to be. I had a job (if only for one day a week) as a bartender at my other cousin's bar. I was playing darts on Tuesdays for a league. I could look in a crowd and see faces that were starting to seem familiar.

I had started my search for another job, when one happen to land in my lap. It was for another bar in a nearby town. I would once again be a bartender. I didn't know that this job was right up my alley. I LOVE my jobs!

By this time I've been invited out on my first date in over 17 yrs. A wonderful gentleman farmer/rancher that was my age asked me to a highschool basketball game. He's funny, charming, adorable to look at, and has a heart of gold. Since then, we've gone to the theater twice. (once with two teenagers!), gone to dinner, gone to a Valentine's Party, my B'day party. I've met some of his friends, and he's met some of my family. (ok, well it is a small town and he pretty much knew them before I moved here, rofl!) He gets along well with my daughter and vise versa. You know a guy is good when he can have fun hanging out with two unruly teenage girls and has no problem accepting your 7 dogs. (btw, he has one that he takes everywhere with him!)

I'm just starting to settle into my life here when HE starts to text me. He is flirting with me like I had always dreamed for him to do. Then he's hinting that maybe we could make it work. The next thing I know he's saying he's made a mistake and asks me to take him back and what can he do to win my heart?!!! As much as I loved him, I have to love myself more and not give him the chance to hurt me this way again. I have said no, and will continue to say no to him. He only has the power to hurt me if I let him. I read the other day that "Grief is the price we pay for love." It's true. I have known grief, I have felt it and I have lived through the grieving process. Now it's time for me to move on.

I am doing a whole lot of firsts. Dating for the first time in 17 yrs, playing on a dart league, working in a bar, being a single mom, living on my own, paying my own bills, 4 wheeling in the snow. I do what makes me and my daughter happy now. I will no longer wonder if I am wife enough, or friend enough or lover enough to hold HIM. HE has no hold, no control over me anymore.

Home wasn't something out there to find. Home was within me the whole time, I just didn't know it. Home is me, my daughter, my puppies, family and friends. I'm VERY happy for the first time in a very VERY long time.

Many Thanks

2009-01-15T20:29:00.000-06:00

I want to thank so many people in my life for being there for me during this rough time in my life.

Traci, Kari, Alan, Thomas, Marci, Jason, JB, Curt, all the girls at ChiAholics, all the wonderful friends in my guild in Wow: Rupert, Stu, Jeff, Kelly, John, Don and all the other wonderful people! You are my rock. I owe you all. I Love you all from the depths of my heart.

New Year, New Life, and a whole New Me

2009-01-15T17:10:00.001-06:00

I was looking forward to the New Year (2009) and never imagined the changes it would bring. A few days after the New Year I found a note my husband wrote me telling me he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. We had just celebrated our 7 yr anniversary, we didn't fight, and our love life was good. I had no idea this was coming. I thought we were the perfect couple. I guess it's true that the wife is the last to know.

Nothing I've been able to say/do has been able to persaude him from his course of action. As much as I love him and wish he loved me the same way, maybe it's a good thing. I've been a housewife for 17 yrs. I've never lived alone and I've spent most of my life trying to not be a problem to anyone and making my husband happy. Now at 36, Mom to a teenage daughter and four 4-legged fur-children, maybe this is my time.

I will be having a whole new life change in the next few days. I will be moving 1500 miles from where I'm living now. I will have to get a job and make a life for my daughter and I. For the first time in my life I will be alone. (except my daughter, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

I'm very scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to pick up the pieces of my life and make a home for my daughter and I. I'm scared that I will try to settle for less and beg my husband to let me stay. I'm scared of making a 1500 mile trip alone. My whole life, I've had either family or a spouse making all the decisions. Now they will be mine alone to make. I'm scared to want another relationship. I'm scared to be Mrs. Ex.

I deserve to feel happy. I deserve to not constantly try not to be a bother or in the way of anyone, especially my spouse. I deserve someone that would love me just the way I am. I deserve to find out who I am, what I want out of life and to feel like I'm worth it.

So here is to my New Year, New Life, and a whole new Me.

To those that know me: call me friend, if you could keep me in your thoughts, I sure would appreciate it. I have a feeling it's going to be a long, rocky road.